I wish I were a better "observer" of myself and others. As I've plugged along this last week finishing report cards, cleaning and organizing my classroom, making mental lists, buying last minute items needed for our trip, I have only been slightly aware of the brewing emotional unrest around me. I'm the kind of person who although social, tends to live in my own little world. When things happen at work, I am often the last to know. I'm so wrapped up in what I am doing and thinking, that I often fail to recognize the subtleties of what's happening around me.
I'd like to think that I've done a pretty good job of holding it together myself, knowing that in just 11 short days, we fly out to California and that yesterday was the three week mark before surgery. I am getting the sense, however, that the closer we get, the more "foggy" I seem to be getting in my brainola.
The end of Spring Break has brought a sort of smack back into reality for everyone in the family. My heart aches for Cayden right now. He's having such a hard time. If I could take his place, I would, but in thinking about it, I am doing the next closest thing to taking his place as one could probably get. While I won't be going through quite the same extent of surgery that he will, but the risks are nearly the same. I suspect he is beginning to feel a similar fear that probably most every child in his place experiences but doesn't want to say out loud. I've thought about it, too, and I imagine, if I didn't or he didn't feel afraid, we wouldn't be normal human beings, would we? I am talking about...the "d" word, and yes, I don't want to say it either. I know it's ok to admit that I am scared, but I also know that there are SO many people out there praying for the both of us. Our God is a God of healing and protection, and I intend to take that comfort with me going into the 26th.
Dan has been so supportive and strong through all of this so far. I have no idea how he is able to be such a rock in our lives especially when the two people he loves so much are preparing for such a stressful life event. Anyone reading this who knows Dan at all, understands that he has an amazing effect on people. His gentle and calm nature have changed the outcome of many "prickly" and highly volatile meetings in his line of work. I can't even count how many times he's gotten me "unwound" when I've gotten myself so far out of whack. Dan loves others with his whole heart. I've never known him to put himself first in his relationship with me or with the boys. He wears his heart on his sleeve. I love this about him, but it sometimes leaves him open to hurt and disappointment (and I am sometimes guilty of being the cause). He is compassionate, kind, and loving, and he married ME. How could a girl possibly be so lucky?
And so it is that the three of us move toward "T-day", each having our own unique emotional experience. Tears, anger, disappointment, frustration, fear, anxiousness, annoyance, and feelings of helplessness have all shown up in the past few days. I think a lot about what I learned in my Wings training a few years ago and about how human belief affects people's lives. Two things stick with me at this moment: "This too shall pass" (referring to the yuck feelings and reactions) and "Our thoughts create our reality". So I'll end this post tonight with this thought, which I intend to make my reality..."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13