Anyone who knows our family well knows that Dan loves to make the most ridiculous voices. Sometimes he keeps going until he's satisfied that I am laughing so hard there are tears streaming down my face and my stomach aches. Imagine him right now with a doofy look on his face shouting out the phrase "I'm not mental!" Yep, today was my appointment with the psychologist, and I am happy to report that nope, I'm not mental. As a matter of fact, he's cleared me from a mental/emotional standpoint for the liver donation. Well, that's a relief. Six appointments down, two more to go!
Ok, I want to know which of you from Washington sent the crummy weather down here? Seriously, the wind has been blowing, it's been raining like heck, and it's downright cold. Just when I thought I must have been crazy on Sunday (when it was 80 degrees) for bringing my new fleece jacket and shell from Eddie Bauer, I was thanking my lucky stars that I had both of them to keep me from freezing to death the last couple of days. At least we heard that tomorrow should be sunny again and in the mid 70's. Give us back our nice weather, would ya!
While Cayden was at school this afternoon, we took a little detour through 3 South, the wing where he stayed for the two weeks while we were here in February. We got a chance to visit with Wajma and Jenn, Cayden's two favorite nurses on the wing. These two really are great! They put up with the four of us parents and Cayden for an entire two weeks...and we can be a real pain. Anyone who can handle all of us deserves a medal! We received big hugs and it felt a little like "coming home". They were so excited to hear that Cayden will get his liver transplant on Monday, and that I am a match for him. Fortunately for Cayden (and us!), he will be staying in 3 South again, so I am pretty sure those two will duke it out for who gets to be his nurse while he's there for 2 weeks! Wajma promised me she'd come visit me over on the Stanford side of the hospital when I am recovering. :) We are so blessed to be surrounded by such a caring hospital staff!
My mom and Don and my dad and Patti all arrive on Saturday. I'm so glad ALL of my parents will be here to support me during the surgery. Between them and all of our family here in Menlo Park, we'll have quite a rooting section waiting for us during the surgery!
Tomorrow's the all important pre-op appointment with my surgeon and the pre-anesthesia visit. I'll be finding out all the specifics of the surgery and probably more than I really want to know. One thing I do already know and forgot to mention yesterday, I will be in the ICU for the first night. Jessie, the Donor Advocate, said I will most likely wake up from anesthesia still intubated and with soft restraints on my arms so I don't freak out and rip the tube out of my throat...gross! I'm glad she at least prepared me with that bit of information. I can totally see myself "freaking out" if I didn't know this ahead of time. Dan will be with me at the appointments tomorrow since Cayden will be at school during that time. He's the one that remembers all of the medical details after I've zoned out from information overload.
Today was day # 3 without coffee. I finally broke down and had a decaf latte just so I could feel like I was drinking a "real" coffee. Getting through the day without coffee is a day without my giddy up and go. I hope by tomorrow I'll have gotten over the caffeine hump...one can only hope!
Tomorrow's Thursday - I can't believe how fast this week has been chugging along. I guess Monday will be here before I know it. Thank you and hugs to all who have posted comments and have sent private messages of encouragement. It means so much to me knowing how many are constantly thinking about us and lifting us up in prayer. If I haven't already mentioned it, Dan will be posting surgery updates on Monday the 26th on his blog www.danluce.com .
Until tomorrow . . .
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Appointments...Round 2!
Today was definitely a much more positive day. I was prepared for the worst, but really ended up feeling pretty validated and a little less nervous by 4:00.
Cayden got to "skip" morning session at school. Our day started at 10:00 with an appointment with Rebecca, Cayden's psychologist. She specifically works with transplant kids dealing with their feelings pre and post transplant and has literally seen hundreds of kids who have undergone transplants. We all met with her together for awhile, then it was time for Cayden to meet with her by himself and me to hustle on over to Lucile Packard Children's Hospital for my 11:00 with the Pulmonary Function Lab.
I was still trying to figure out why it was necessary for me to be seen by the specialist in the Pulmonary Lab. Yesterday as we were headed back to the parking lot, Sarah our Transplant Coordinator while Carmela is away at Disneyland this week (nice!), came running across shouting my name. She said the Hepatologist from yesterday, with the "awful" bedside manner, saw an obstruction on my chest x-ray from February and wanted it checked out further. Weird...wouldn't I notice if I had an obstruction in my own lungs? Mary Jo in the lab was really sweet. The lab experience was interesting. She had me do a variety of breathing tests to check whether or not there really was a blockage after all. I sat in this glass booth and had to wrap my lips around a contraption that reminded my of my scuba regulator. One of the tests emptied my lungs of air and filled them with oxygen. Another test had me take regular breaths, then breathe in deeply and expel as much air as I possibly could for as long as I could. There was a funny little flying toaster with flying toasts that I was supposted to "catch". Another time I had to breathe out until I made the balloon on the screen "pop". Mary Jo said the kids love the games...heck, I kinda liked them too. They made me work a little harder! Still another test had me keep trying to inhale and then later exhale with resistance. Most of the tests I passed with flying colors, but on the one where I had to inhale deeply and then exhale, I had to do the test 3 times instead of two. She asked if I had been ill a lot when I was little...no, but I did mention that my mom had smoked until I was 16. That could be a contributor she said. Apparently, I have mild pulmonary obstruction. It isn't serious and won't impact my ability to be Cayden's donor, but still, it's weird to find out that I have something I didn't even know about.
After the lab and Cayden's appointments it was back home for a quick lunch and then off to school for Cayden and over to the Blood Donation building for me. Today was the day I got to donate a pint of my own blood for my surgery just in case I needed it. I was floored when I saw the sheet of charges. You know how they love for people to donate blood at the blood bank, well when you donate your OWN blood, they charge you an arm and a leg...$325 worth to be specific! Well, ok, not me...I'm not paying for my own blood, but it's part of the "Liver Transplant" package deal. ;) And if that isn't enough, if I don't need my blood during surgery, they can't even use it for anyone else. It is specifically prepared for me. They did mention that they could use my blood for research. Did I already mention that I don't really like giving blood? The tech there, Mary Ann, had an English accent. She was very accomodating when I told her that I don't really like to see my own blood or the needle in my arm, and consequently covered it up so I didn't get a "crick" in my neck having to look the other way the entire time. Unfortunately, when my bag was all filled, she hadn't noticed that one of the vials they use to run all the tests wasn't filled with blood. She profusely apologized for having to "stick" my other arm to get the last vial of blood from me. At least it wasn't as big and didn't hurt as bad as the first needle. After a little snack of a glass of lemonade and a chocolate cookie (yum!), I was on my merry way over to the transplant clinic for my meeting with the Independent Adult Liver Donor Advocate.
On my way over, I was mentally preparing myself for more of the "informed consent" blah blah blah that had bummed me out yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised. Jessie, who had previously worked with the transplant team, was wonderful! It's her job to advocate for me. While she gave me lots of information...like the fact that I won't have the "J" scar that I've heard about, it'll be more like the Mercedes Benz symbol (upsidedown Y). Cayden and I will have fun matching scars...I've pretty much gotten over the fact that my belly won't be a pretty sight after the surgery - not that it is now, anyway! We did talk about risks, but not in the way that they were presented to me yesterday. I was reassured that Cayden and I are in excellent hands and have two of the best surgeons on the west coast. Dr. Esquivel is the head of the entire transplant program here at Stanford and has been at the hospital since 1998. Jessie has been in the operating room of many of Dr. Esquivel's surgeries and has seen first hand what it's like for the liver donors both during surgery and post surgery. She told me that I will probably still feel a bit tired after 3 months but by 6 months, all of the adult donors she consults with were feeling as good as they did prior to the surgery...now that's what I wanted to hear! Another encouraging piece of news was that the sooner I get my body out of that hospital bed and start moving around, the sooner my body will heal and I will get to bust out of the hospital. You can bet I'll be doing everything I can to fast track my recovery.
With the day of appointments behind us and school over for the day, we headed home. I unfortunately am reaping the "unbenefits" of having postponed my own hysterctomy that was originally scheduled for last week and went straight for the Tylenol. I'm still waiting to find out if I can get that "two-fer" surgery I was hoping to have but am not holding my breath on it. Between that pain, the lack of coffee and sleep and my pint of blood donated for my surgery, I felt like I had been run over by a Mack truck. A nap was definitely in order today.
Tomorrow is another day closer to the big event. Five days left to be exact. At least for now, I feel a sense of calm and peace about everything. With just one appointment tomorrow, whatever will I do with myself?
Cayden got to "skip" morning session at school. Our day started at 10:00 with an appointment with Rebecca, Cayden's psychologist. She specifically works with transplant kids dealing with their feelings pre and post transplant and has literally seen hundreds of kids who have undergone transplants. We all met with her together for awhile, then it was time for Cayden to meet with her by himself and me to hustle on over to Lucile Packard Children's Hospital for my 11:00 with the Pulmonary Function Lab.
I was still trying to figure out why it was necessary for me to be seen by the specialist in the Pulmonary Lab. Yesterday as we were headed back to the parking lot, Sarah our Transplant Coordinator while Carmela is away at Disneyland this week (nice!), came running across shouting my name. She said the Hepatologist from yesterday, with the "awful" bedside manner, saw an obstruction on my chest x-ray from February and wanted it checked out further. Weird...wouldn't I notice if I had an obstruction in my own lungs? Mary Jo in the lab was really sweet. The lab experience was interesting. She had me do a variety of breathing tests to check whether or not there really was a blockage after all. I sat in this glass booth and had to wrap my lips around a contraption that reminded my of my scuba regulator. One of the tests emptied my lungs of air and filled them with oxygen. Another test had me take regular breaths, then breathe in deeply and expel as much air as I possibly could for as long as I could. There was a funny little flying toaster with flying toasts that I was supposted to "catch". Another time I had to breathe out until I made the balloon on the screen "pop". Mary Jo said the kids love the games...heck, I kinda liked them too. They made me work a little harder! Still another test had me keep trying to inhale and then later exhale with resistance. Most of the tests I passed with flying colors, but on the one where I had to inhale deeply and then exhale, I had to do the test 3 times instead of two. She asked if I had been ill a lot when I was little...no, but I did mention that my mom had smoked until I was 16. That could be a contributor she said. Apparently, I have mild pulmonary obstruction. It isn't serious and won't impact my ability to be Cayden's donor, but still, it's weird to find out that I have something I didn't even know about.
After the lab and Cayden's appointments it was back home for a quick lunch and then off to school for Cayden and over to the Blood Donation building for me. Today was the day I got to donate a pint of my own blood for my surgery just in case I needed it. I was floored when I saw the sheet of charges. You know how they love for people to donate blood at the blood bank, well when you donate your OWN blood, they charge you an arm and a leg...$325 worth to be specific! Well, ok, not me...I'm not paying for my own blood, but it's part of the "Liver Transplant" package deal. ;) And if that isn't enough, if I don't need my blood during surgery, they can't even use it for anyone else. It is specifically prepared for me. They did mention that they could use my blood for research. Did I already mention that I don't really like giving blood? The tech there, Mary Ann, had an English accent. She was very accomodating when I told her that I don't really like to see my own blood or the needle in my arm, and consequently covered it up so I didn't get a "crick" in my neck having to look the other way the entire time. Unfortunately, when my bag was all filled, she hadn't noticed that one of the vials they use to run all the tests wasn't filled with blood. She profusely apologized for having to "stick" my other arm to get the last vial of blood from me. At least it wasn't as big and didn't hurt as bad as the first needle. After a little snack of a glass of lemonade and a chocolate cookie (yum!), I was on my merry way over to the transplant clinic for my meeting with the Independent Adult Liver Donor Advocate.
On my way over, I was mentally preparing myself for more of the "informed consent" blah blah blah that had bummed me out yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised. Jessie, who had previously worked with the transplant team, was wonderful! It's her job to advocate for me. While she gave me lots of information...like the fact that I won't have the "J" scar that I've heard about, it'll be more like the Mercedes Benz symbol (upsidedown Y). Cayden and I will have fun matching scars...I've pretty much gotten over the fact that my belly won't be a pretty sight after the surgery - not that it is now, anyway! We did talk about risks, but not in the way that they were presented to me yesterday. I was reassured that Cayden and I are in excellent hands and have two of the best surgeons on the west coast. Dr. Esquivel is the head of the entire transplant program here at Stanford and has been at the hospital since 1998. Jessie has been in the operating room of many of Dr. Esquivel's surgeries and has seen first hand what it's like for the liver donors both during surgery and post surgery. She told me that I will probably still feel a bit tired after 3 months but by 6 months, all of the adult donors she consults with were feeling as good as they did prior to the surgery...now that's what I wanted to hear! Another encouraging piece of news was that the sooner I get my body out of that hospital bed and start moving around, the sooner my body will heal and I will get to bust out of the hospital. You can bet I'll be doing everything I can to fast track my recovery.
With the day of appointments behind us and school over for the day, we headed home. I unfortunately am reaping the "unbenefits" of having postponed my own hysterctomy that was originally scheduled for last week and went straight for the Tylenol. I'm still waiting to find out if I can get that "two-fer" surgery I was hoping to have but am not holding my breath on it. Between that pain, the lack of coffee and sleep and my pint of blood donated for my surgery, I felt like I had been run over by a Mack truck. A nap was definitely in order today.
Tomorrow is another day closer to the big event. Five days left to be exact. At least for now, I feel a sense of calm and peace about everything. With just one appointment tomorrow, whatever will I do with myself?
Monday, April 19, 2010
One Week to T-Day
It was a weird feeling flying down to California the other day. In my mind, I equate flying somewhere with a fabulous vacation or at least guarantees of some fun away from home. I felt a little sad (and some might think me silly), as I said goodbye to my three cats, telling them I'd see them in a couple of months. Wow...a couple of months. That's a long time to be away from home. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they refused to meow at me once we do finally return.
Waking up Sunday morning was strange, too. Usually we're scurrying around getting ready to head to music practice before church. After the last month of having lists and lists of things to do to prepare, I realized I have no more lists. I am prepared. I'm here. But boy, have I been tired. I dozed for about an hour before finally getting up at 8:30 a.m. - this is definitely sleeping in for me on a Sunday morning. I didn't sleep so well that night. As a matter of fact I haven't slept well for the last couple of nights. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm missing the familiar surroundings of my "comfort zone" back home...although I did manage to squeeze my favorite pillow in the suitcase...or the anxiety rolling around in the back of my mind knowing that because we are here, this is REALLY happening.
The weather yesterday was beautiful. We created a diversion for ourselves by having a little fun with Cayden, his Aunt Kristi, Uncle Paul, and his cousins Ian and Adam by going to the park and watching the boys all hit off the pitching machine. Even the dads hit a little. There's nothing funnier than watching grown men wiff the ball trying to hit with a boys's size bat. I didn't bat but had a blast running after some fly balls in the outfield in my bare feet. :)
Today was the beginning of a week of appointments and getting ready for the big day. We took Cayden and his 30 pounds of books (which cost us $50 in overweight charges on Alaska Airlines!) over to the hospital school on floor 3 of Lucile Packard Hospital this morning. He will go 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the afternoon, except Fridays, when they only have a morning session for school. Nice! I'd like that. :) They are so friendly and accommodating at the school. The great thing about the school is that it is located just outside the wing where Cayden will be located post transplant once he is discharged from the PICU. When he feels up to it, it'll be a very short "commute" to school each day!
My first appointment consisted of meeting with meeting my Social Worker, Miriam, in person after having spoken with her over the phone back home. There were many questions about everything from my growing up years to family medical history to my career, marriage, and being a step parent. One of the questions she asked me really caught me off guard. She asked about my relationship with Cayden. She asked if I had thought about how my relationship with him would change post transplant. I wasn't quite sure how to answer that. Would I expect him to somehow be more connected with me? For us to have a closer bond? I don't know. I absolutely love him, but I don't think I "expect" anything. To me, true love means giving without expectation. But it was her response that really threw me. She said, "What if something were to happen to him through all this? What if you went through with the surgery, and he didn't make it?" I about lost it at that moment. Now, how does one respond to a question like that...thrown at you like one of those homemade pipe bombs full of nails, created to do some serious damage? I felt sick. Not only did I NOT want to consider that question, I couldn't even fathom the possibility. After some silence, I finally responded to her. "I believe that Cayden has not fulfilled what he was put on this Earth to do. I know in my heart he has great things ahead of him. My trust is in God that He knows what He's doing and has big plans him." Downer number 1 of the day.
In between school and appointments, we zipped home to scarf down tuna melts, before I had to be back at the Hepatologist for a 1 o'clock and Cayden's 1:30 pre-op appointment with the surgeon. After getting "cut in line" at the check-in, which happened to be I swear the slowest check-in on the planet, I finally was seen about 1:25. The Hepatologist asked me a lot of questions about my health and noted that my weight was about .45% or whatever from being considered "obese". Are you KIDDING me?!! Ok, I might have a little belly pooch, but there is no way that I am that close to obese. Sheesh! Thanks a lot, buddy! That was downer 1 1/2.
After tapping around on my belly a bit, checking my heart and breathing and testing my balance, he shared the "grim statistics" with me. Out of the 100 people that come in and get to this point, only 15-20 actually choose to go through with the surgery. Both he and the Social Worker informed me that I can change my mind at anytime even up until the day of surgery. I emphatically told him (and Miriam) that I had no plans of changing my mind. Then, without warning, downer #2 was dropped into my lap. "You can expect to experience serious pain post surgery. Because of this surgery, you may not be able to get health insurance or life insurance. There is a possibility that your liver may not recover from the surgery, requiring you to have a liver transplant yourself. You may not get a liver right away and would have to wait on the transplant list for a new liver. Cayden has a special kind of disease. This is not a cure for him, and you are choosing an elective surgery. There is a 30% chance the disease will come back and attack the new liver." Have you ever seen kids when they don't want to listen to what an adult is saying? They plug their ears and start saying "lalalalalalalala". That was nearly my reaction at that point. I finally had the wherewithall to say, "Yes, I understand all the risks. I am willing to take my chances and am going to have faith that the 70% will prevail here."
Yuck, yuck, and yuck. I left there totally bummed out. I do know the risks. I also am fully aware of the risks if we sit around and do nothing for Cayden. I wouldn't have chosen to go through with this surgery if I didn't believe that Cayden's life was worth ANY risk that he and I must face.
After my appointment, I made the trek all the way across the hospital campus to meet up with Cayden and Dan over at the Liver Clinic across the street from the children's hospital. They were just finishing up. Cayden's surgery will be 8-10 hours. They have a tentative surgery time set at 7:30 a.m. The surgeon informed them that if a cadaver donor came in that day for another transplant patient, though unlikely, our surgery would be bumped to a different day. We also found out that Cayden needed to get several new vaccinations, due to the fact that he will be taking anti-rejection meds post surgery and will have a compromised immune system. We ended up waiting for 2 hours for the pharmacy to prepare the vaccinations. Cayden and I were both terribly cranky and ready for ice cream by the time he was finally vaccinated. I so love Baskin and Robbins. Ice cream is the solution to ALL problems!
Tomorrow it's off to have my breathing checked out...the Hepatologist saw something on my chest x-ray that he wants to have double checked before totally clearing me. Then in the afternoon donating 1 pint of my own blood for my surgery and finally meeting up with the Adult Living Donor Advocate, who will no doubt be another person who tells me that I can "change my mind at any time, even up to the date of the surgery"... At least I already know that one's coming!
Waking up Sunday morning was strange, too. Usually we're scurrying around getting ready to head to music practice before church. After the last month of having lists and lists of things to do to prepare, I realized I have no more lists. I am prepared. I'm here. But boy, have I been tired. I dozed for about an hour before finally getting up at 8:30 a.m. - this is definitely sleeping in for me on a Sunday morning. I didn't sleep so well that night. As a matter of fact I haven't slept well for the last couple of nights. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm missing the familiar surroundings of my "comfort zone" back home...although I did manage to squeeze my favorite pillow in the suitcase...or the anxiety rolling around in the back of my mind knowing that because we are here, this is REALLY happening.
The weather yesterday was beautiful. We created a diversion for ourselves by having a little fun with Cayden, his Aunt Kristi, Uncle Paul, and his cousins Ian and Adam by going to the park and watching the boys all hit off the pitching machine. Even the dads hit a little. There's nothing funnier than watching grown men wiff the ball trying to hit with a boys's size bat. I didn't bat but had a blast running after some fly balls in the outfield in my bare feet. :)
Today was the beginning of a week of appointments and getting ready for the big day. We took Cayden and his 30 pounds of books (which cost us $50 in overweight charges on Alaska Airlines!) over to the hospital school on floor 3 of Lucile Packard Hospital this morning. He will go 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the afternoon, except Fridays, when they only have a morning session for school. Nice! I'd like that. :) They are so friendly and accommodating at the school. The great thing about the school is that it is located just outside the wing where Cayden will be located post transplant once he is discharged from the PICU. When he feels up to it, it'll be a very short "commute" to school each day!
My first appointment consisted of meeting with meeting my Social Worker, Miriam, in person after having spoken with her over the phone back home. There were many questions about everything from my growing up years to family medical history to my career, marriage, and being a step parent. One of the questions she asked me really caught me off guard. She asked about my relationship with Cayden. She asked if I had thought about how my relationship with him would change post transplant. I wasn't quite sure how to answer that. Would I expect him to somehow be more connected with me? For us to have a closer bond? I don't know. I absolutely love him, but I don't think I "expect" anything. To me, true love means giving without expectation. But it was her response that really threw me. She said, "What if something were to happen to him through all this? What if you went through with the surgery, and he didn't make it?" I about lost it at that moment. Now, how does one respond to a question like that...thrown at you like one of those homemade pipe bombs full of nails, created to do some serious damage? I felt sick. Not only did I NOT want to consider that question, I couldn't even fathom the possibility. After some silence, I finally responded to her. "I believe that Cayden has not fulfilled what he was put on this Earth to do. I know in my heart he has great things ahead of him. My trust is in God that He knows what He's doing and has big plans him." Downer number 1 of the day.
In between school and appointments, we zipped home to scarf down tuna melts, before I had to be back at the Hepatologist for a 1 o'clock and Cayden's 1:30 pre-op appointment with the surgeon. After getting "cut in line" at the check-in, which happened to be I swear the slowest check-in on the planet, I finally was seen about 1:25. The Hepatologist asked me a lot of questions about my health and noted that my weight was about .45% or whatever from being considered "obese". Are you KIDDING me?!! Ok, I might have a little belly pooch, but there is no way that I am that close to obese. Sheesh! Thanks a lot, buddy! That was downer 1 1/2.
After tapping around on my belly a bit, checking my heart and breathing and testing my balance, he shared the "grim statistics" with me. Out of the 100 people that come in and get to this point, only 15-20 actually choose to go through with the surgery. Both he and the Social Worker informed me that I can change my mind at anytime even up until the day of surgery. I emphatically told him (and Miriam) that I had no plans of changing my mind. Then, without warning, downer #2 was dropped into my lap. "You can expect to experience serious pain post surgery. Because of this surgery, you may not be able to get health insurance or life insurance. There is a possibility that your liver may not recover from the surgery, requiring you to have a liver transplant yourself. You may not get a liver right away and would have to wait on the transplant list for a new liver. Cayden has a special kind of disease. This is not a cure for him, and you are choosing an elective surgery. There is a 30% chance the disease will come back and attack the new liver." Have you ever seen kids when they don't want to listen to what an adult is saying? They plug their ears and start saying "lalalalalalalala". That was nearly my reaction at that point. I finally had the wherewithall to say, "Yes, I understand all the risks. I am willing to take my chances and am going to have faith that the 70% will prevail here."
Yuck, yuck, and yuck. I left there totally bummed out. I do know the risks. I also am fully aware of the risks if we sit around and do nothing for Cayden. I wouldn't have chosen to go through with this surgery if I didn't believe that Cayden's life was worth ANY risk that he and I must face.
After my appointment, I made the trek all the way across the hospital campus to meet up with Cayden and Dan over at the Liver Clinic across the street from the children's hospital. They were just finishing up. Cayden's surgery will be 8-10 hours. They have a tentative surgery time set at 7:30 a.m. The surgeon informed them that if a cadaver donor came in that day for another transplant patient, though unlikely, our surgery would be bumped to a different day. We also found out that Cayden needed to get several new vaccinations, due to the fact that he will be taking anti-rejection meds post surgery and will have a compromised immune system. We ended up waiting for 2 hours for the pharmacy to prepare the vaccinations. Cayden and I were both terribly cranky and ready for ice cream by the time he was finally vaccinated. I so love Baskin and Robbins. Ice cream is the solution to ALL problems!
Tomorrow it's off to have my breathing checked out...the Hepatologist saw something on my chest x-ray that he wants to have double checked before totally clearing me. Then in the afternoon donating 1 pint of my own blood for my surgery and finally meeting up with the Adult Living Donor Advocate, who will no doubt be another person who tells me that I can "change my mind at any time, even up to the date of the surgery"... At least I already know that one's coming!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Oh What A Week!
I kept wondering at different points during this week, just how does one reflect back upon the kind of week that I've just experienced. It was challenging, wonderful, surprising, sad, joyful, heartwarming, and bittersweet all rolled into one. I can sum it up in a few words: "What a roller coaster ride."
As I sit here with my tired self parked on the couch at 10 p.m. donning a pair of my new PJ's and snuggled up to my favorite pillow , I'm wondering why in the world I am not in bed at this moment. I am utterly and completely emotionally drained from the ride, and yet, I intuitively know that there's still more to come...only it'll be different over the next week.
The beginning of the week started out witha sense dread. I just plain didn't want the end of this week to come. My brain had convinced itself that Friday was going to be absolutely unbearable. In my classroom, I began to feel the effects of the kids unhappyness about me leaving. Instead of having a class full of kids moping around or clinging to me, I noticed that even some of my normally well behaved kids were starting to act like hammerheads. What the heck? Who snatched my kids? To add insult to injury, it seemed to get a little more pronounced the closer Friday crept. At one point on Thursday, I had one girl literally shout out, "This is boring! Is it almost time to go home!" Holy cow...are you kidding me?! In all my 14 years of teaching, not one of my students had ever said something like that in my class. I kept thinking "Please...give me a break guys...I have just a few days left and now I have to deal with icky behavior, too? Be nice to me! I'm leaving soon. I'm going to miss you and you know you'll miss me!" Of course, I didn't really say that out loud, but boy did I wish that they could know how it was affecting me. I understand that kids act out as a way to express their feelings when they don't know how to deal with what they feel. I see it a lot teaching at Fort Lewis, when a parent deploys or returns from a deployment. It's so hard on families, especially the kids. In thinking about it from that perspective, as a teacher, I've become someone whom they've come to know and love. Someone they see on a daily basis, who now happens to be leaving them. I'm sorry guys...I wish I could stay. I'd probably act out too if I were them.
A funny thing happened Tuesday night. Although I have a Facebook account, rarely do I login from my computer. I get automatic updates on my Blackberry. As I was writing my last post Tuesday night, I heard the familiar "pop" of a Facebook instant message. It was my long lost buddy Wally, wanting to know how things were going. I ended up explaining all that had happened recently. He hadn't been following my Facebook posts, and couldn't believe we were leaving Saturday to get ready for the transplant. Wally's (who is Walt now, but will always be "Wally" to me) is the kind of friend that you have forever. You know the kind. It's been ages since you've seen each other, but once a year or so, one of you picks up the phone and just calls the other out of the blue. The two of you chat on the phone, catch up on all that's happened in the past year, and it's as if you just picked up right where you left off the last time....only the funny thing is Wally was my boyfriend in 9th grade. It was a relationship that didn't last long. We were better as friends, and friends we've stayed since I was 15 years old. To top it off, we hadn't seen each other since 1988. So, guess what I did Wednesday night? After all these years, Dan and I went to meet up with Wally and his wife for dinner. As he said to me during dinner, "Why the heck did we wait so long to get together?!" I wondered the exact same thing. What a cool and unexpected moment in my week.
And if that isn't enough for one week, right after my post, I received a private Facebook message from my good friend Lisa, my old next door neighbor in Lacey whom I've known since 1989, wondering if I needed some help Thursday night baking those cupcakes for my early "birthday" celebration at school on Friday. With all of the gazillion things I felt like I still needed to do, I could have easily rationalized that I should make the cupcakes myself while multi-tasking on packing for the trip and cleaning house. But I didn't. I really wanted to see Lisa, as we hadn't seen each other since March of last year. I am SO thankful that I asked her to come. While Lisa came bearing gifts, the most precious gift to me was the gift of her friendship and her willingness to drop the plans that she may have had to come and be with me before we left for California.
That brings us to today. Friday, the dreaded Friday. Yes, definitely bittersweet. I had a bad dream last night. I can't quite put my finger on what it was all about, but I remember jolting wide awake with my heart pounding. Trying hard this morning to remember what it was about, I recalled looking into my own face. When I told Dan about it, he jokingly said, "That's scary." I said, "Actually, it is if you think about that I am me...how could I have been looking at my own face when it wasn't a mirror?" Whew...I was happy to be awake.
My morning commute consists of a stop at Starbucks, since our espresso machine is on the fritz, about 15 minutes of residential streets, followed by a daily ID check through the back gate at North Fort Lewis. It's a great start to every morning...no, not the coffee, although it's pretty great, I'm talking about JC. My most favorite guard guy. Funny, it wasn't until today that I knew his name. He always takes time to say hi and chat a bit, even if there's a line behind me at the gate. When Cayden got sick in February, I mentioned the situation to him in passing. He always took a minute to ask me how things were going. I think people don't always hear how what they do impacts the lives of others. Today on my last day through the gate, I gave a thank you card to "my favorite guard guy", to let him know how much I have appreciated his friendliness each morning. He's an all around nice guy. I'll miss seeing him every morning on my way to work. Thank you to the JC's of the world, you make it a better place!
School today was filled with hugs, "I love you Mrs. Luce", love notes from kids, pictures, flowers, more gifts and cards, and yes, more icky behavior. Oh well, I guess I should have expected it. The kids were so excited for cupcakes, and being the smart person that I am, I hid both trays of them in my cabinet so I wouldn't get the infamous "When do we get to eat the cupcakes?" and "When's the party, Mrs. Luce?" from my kids every thirty minutes. Saying goodbye at the end of the day was tough, but I did a pretty darn good job holding it together. A few of my moms whom I love dearly were teary-eyed as we hugged before they left with their children. I got choked up when I said goodbye to one of the dads who's son I've had since first grade. I made the kids promise they'd email or send me letters while I was in the hospital. :)
Saying goodbye to my friends on staff was tough, too. It was all I could do to keep myself from crying each time. I didn't get a chance to see everyone after school, so if any of my school friends are reading this...I'll miss you guys!!!
When I arrived home, a beautiful bouquet of flowers sat waiting for my on my front porch. Sheila, a good friend from church and also a teacher, had left me a little pick me up, knowing that today would have been a tough day for me at school. Thanks, Sheila! :)
Finally, my last hurrah before leaving. My best friend Tammela and I had a fabulous dinner together this evening. We have been friends for 14 years and started our teaching career at the same school. If you've never been to Asado on 6th Ave. in Tacoma, you've got to have the Hangar Steak and Poblano Polenta. It's a great "last hurrah" dinner. The only thing that would have made it better would have been a nice glass of Malbec. Perhaps after my left lobe grows back?
Well, it's off to my last night in the comfy Tempur-Pedic bed, soon to be traded for a stay in a hospital bed. Lots of appointments next week, and I am sure, many interesting things to post. Thank you to everyone for your continued prayers, words of encouragement, and positive messages. Thanks for such a wonderful send off this week...next post from sunny (hopefully) California!
As I sit here with my tired self parked on the couch at 10 p.m. donning a pair of my new PJ's and snuggled up to my favorite pillow , I'm wondering why in the world I am not in bed at this moment. I am utterly and completely emotionally drained from the ride, and yet, I intuitively know that there's still more to come...only it'll be different over the next week.
The beginning of the week started out witha sense dread. I just plain didn't want the end of this week to come. My brain had convinced itself that Friday was going to be absolutely unbearable. In my classroom, I began to feel the effects of the kids unhappyness about me leaving. Instead of having a class full of kids moping around or clinging to me, I noticed that even some of my normally well behaved kids were starting to act like hammerheads. What the heck? Who snatched my kids? To add insult to injury, it seemed to get a little more pronounced the closer Friday crept. At one point on Thursday, I had one girl literally shout out, "This is boring! Is it almost time to go home!" Holy cow...are you kidding me?! In all my 14 years of teaching, not one of my students had ever said something like that in my class. I kept thinking "Please...give me a break guys...I have just a few days left and now I have to deal with icky behavior, too? Be nice to me! I'm leaving soon. I'm going to miss you and you know you'll miss me!" Of course, I didn't really say that out loud, but boy did I wish that they could know how it was affecting me. I understand that kids act out as a way to express their feelings when they don't know how to deal with what they feel. I see it a lot teaching at Fort Lewis, when a parent deploys or returns from a deployment. It's so hard on families, especially the kids. In thinking about it from that perspective, as a teacher, I've become someone whom they've come to know and love. Someone they see on a daily basis, who now happens to be leaving them. I'm sorry guys...I wish I could stay. I'd probably act out too if I were them.
A funny thing happened Tuesday night. Although I have a Facebook account, rarely do I login from my computer. I get automatic updates on my Blackberry. As I was writing my last post Tuesday night, I heard the familiar "pop" of a Facebook instant message. It was my long lost buddy Wally, wanting to know how things were going. I ended up explaining all that had happened recently. He hadn't been following my Facebook posts, and couldn't believe we were leaving Saturday to get ready for the transplant. Wally's (who is Walt now, but will always be "Wally" to me) is the kind of friend that you have forever. You know the kind. It's been ages since you've seen each other, but once a year or so, one of you picks up the phone and just calls the other out of the blue. The two of you chat on the phone, catch up on all that's happened in the past year, and it's as if you just picked up right where you left off the last time....only the funny thing is Wally was my boyfriend in 9th grade. It was a relationship that didn't last long. We were better as friends, and friends we've stayed since I was 15 years old. To top it off, we hadn't seen each other since 1988. So, guess what I did Wednesday night? After all these years, Dan and I went to meet up with Wally and his wife for dinner. As he said to me during dinner, "Why the heck did we wait so long to get together?!" I wondered the exact same thing. What a cool and unexpected moment in my week.
And if that isn't enough for one week, right after my post, I received a private Facebook message from my good friend Lisa, my old next door neighbor in Lacey whom I've known since 1989, wondering if I needed some help Thursday night baking those cupcakes for my early "birthday" celebration at school on Friday. With all of the gazillion things I felt like I still needed to do, I could have easily rationalized that I should make the cupcakes myself while multi-tasking on packing for the trip and cleaning house. But I didn't. I really wanted to see Lisa, as we hadn't seen each other since March of last year. I am SO thankful that I asked her to come. While Lisa came bearing gifts, the most precious gift to me was the gift of her friendship and her willingness to drop the plans that she may have had to come and be with me before we left for California.
That brings us to today. Friday, the dreaded Friday. Yes, definitely bittersweet. I had a bad dream last night. I can't quite put my finger on what it was all about, but I remember jolting wide awake with my heart pounding. Trying hard this morning to remember what it was about, I recalled looking into my own face. When I told Dan about it, he jokingly said, "That's scary." I said, "Actually, it is if you think about that I am me...how could I have been looking at my own face when it wasn't a mirror?" Whew...I was happy to be awake.
My morning commute consists of a stop at Starbucks, since our espresso machine is on the fritz, about 15 minutes of residential streets, followed by a daily ID check through the back gate at North Fort Lewis. It's a great start to every morning...no, not the coffee, although it's pretty great, I'm talking about JC. My most favorite guard guy. Funny, it wasn't until today that I knew his name. He always takes time to say hi and chat a bit, even if there's a line behind me at the gate. When Cayden got sick in February, I mentioned the situation to him in passing. He always took a minute to ask me how things were going. I think people don't always hear how what they do impacts the lives of others. Today on my last day through the gate, I gave a thank you card to "my favorite guard guy", to let him know how much I have appreciated his friendliness each morning. He's an all around nice guy. I'll miss seeing him every morning on my way to work. Thank you to the JC's of the world, you make it a better place!
School today was filled with hugs, "I love you Mrs. Luce", love notes from kids, pictures, flowers, more gifts and cards, and yes, more icky behavior. Oh well, I guess I should have expected it. The kids were so excited for cupcakes, and being the smart person that I am, I hid both trays of them in my cabinet so I wouldn't get the infamous "When do we get to eat the cupcakes?" and "When's the party, Mrs. Luce?" from my kids every thirty minutes. Saying goodbye at the end of the day was tough, but I did a pretty darn good job holding it together. A few of my moms whom I love dearly were teary-eyed as we hugged before they left with their children. I got choked up when I said goodbye to one of the dads who's son I've had since first grade. I made the kids promise they'd email or send me letters while I was in the hospital. :)
Saying goodbye to my friends on staff was tough, too. It was all I could do to keep myself from crying each time. I didn't get a chance to see everyone after school, so if any of my school friends are reading this...I'll miss you guys!!!
When I arrived home, a beautiful bouquet of flowers sat waiting for my on my front porch. Sheila, a good friend from church and also a teacher, had left me a little pick me up, knowing that today would have been a tough day for me at school. Thanks, Sheila! :)
Finally, my last hurrah before leaving. My best friend Tammela and I had a fabulous dinner together this evening. We have been friends for 14 years and started our teaching career at the same school. If you've never been to Asado on 6th Ave. in Tacoma, you've got to have the Hangar Steak and Poblano Polenta. It's a great "last hurrah" dinner. The only thing that would have made it better would have been a nice glass of Malbec. Perhaps after my left lobe grows back?
Well, it's off to my last night in the comfy Tempur-Pedic bed, soon to be traded for a stay in a hospital bed. Lots of appointments next week, and I am sure, many interesting things to post. Thank you to everyone for your continued prayers, words of encouragement, and positive messages. Thanks for such a wonderful send off this week...next post from sunny (hopefully) California!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Fog Lifts (Slightly) With Just 3 School Days Remaining
Driving home from work this evening (at ten to 7!), I noticed that I felt a little more "with it" compared to the last few days. I think knowing that we are just days from departing gave me a kick in the rear end that I really needed to get those last few things finished at school in preparation from my sub. I've literally been wandering around my classroom after schoool, leaving things half done all over the room since the middle of last week. It's such an annoying thing to have happen for someone who is normally so organized. I finally think I am ready to go on the school end of things.
A funny thing happened today. Apparently the staff at my school was planning a special lunch for me tomorrow on our half day since this is my last week. It was supposed to be a surprise, but I was inadvertantly included on the email distribution list, hence no more surprise. After getting a phone call from Meghan explaining how I was NOT supposed to have gotten that email, I ended up laughing hysterically while my kids sat waiting and wondering what could possibly be so funny. Of course, once I got off the phone, I had to explain to them what had happened. They all seemed to think it was pretty funny, too. One of my boys who believes himself to be in charge of the world saw Meghan in the hall a little bit later and was sure to "remind" her that she blew the surprise! Way to rub it in, kiddo. :)
As the week wears on, little surprises have shown up from my students. I received a couple of pairs of those fuzzy soft socks with the grippers on the bottom from one of my little girls. I told her that I have them with my things to take to the hospital, and I'd definitely have the warmest feet ever! Today one of my boys gave me some coffee, candy and the most heartwarming card from he and his mother. She's the kind of mom who every teacher wants who seems to give me that "lift" just when I need it.
I can tell that I am not the only one affected by my rapidly approaching last day. Every Monday we do a 5 minute free write before we start Writing Workshop. I set the timer and everyone (including me) writes in a spiral for the entire 5 minutes. The only rule is that you have to write the whole time, but kids can write about anything that is on their minds. I thought I was a basket head when I started getting all emotional about writing about friends of ours who stopped by on the weekend to bring big bags of gummy bears and gummy worms for Cayden and a bag of candy for me. Little did I know what was on the minds of a few of my students. I've included the journal entries of two that were read in front of the class (all grammar and spelling mistakes included).
"I am scard that Mrs. Luce will get hert when she will go to the hospetle to give her son a liver. but she spent a lot of time looking for the best techer. I am so so plesd that she is givin her son a liver and I am happy that she is doing this. She is so nice doing this. I am sad that she will be leaving on Friday. I hope it dos not come pretty soon." - Chenoa
"Mrs. Luce is my teacher at school. She is the bestest teacher I have ever meeted. She helps me in math, writing, and test. She is nice. She lets ever one talk when it is there trun. She makes sher that ever one lerns something in math. She helps kids in reading. Mrs. Luce is caring and loves to read. Mrs. luce likes all of her presents. She is the best." - Adrianna
And a couple of recent paragraphs from two of my boys . . .
"I have a couple of reasons why I like Mrs. Luce. First, Mrs. Luce is extremely smart. She is good in math. After that, she is very funny. She says she is fired. Finally, she is very brave. She is going to exchange her liver with Cayden. She is cool." -Seth
"Mrs. Luce is cool. First, Mrs. Luce teaches math. Our math is fractions and fractions are hard. Next, she also teaches reading. We used to read about space. Space was the most fun so far. After that, writing. Writing is pretty fun, but I am writing about Mrs. Luce. And I'm sure about Mrs. Luce. Mrs. Luce is crazytastic." - Dustin
Boy, who taught those kids how to write? ;) Truly, what you see above is what makes it all worthwhile. As a teacher, you are a hero to your kids. They think you're great at EVERYTHING. It cracks me up that they think I am so great at math. Frankly, I didn't really like math in school and am very critical of myself as a math teacher.
With three more days to go, I wonder if I'll need to break open another box of kleenex. I promised my kids that since I will be gone on May 15th, Friday we'll celebrate my birthday early so they can celebrate with me! I guess I'll be making cupcakes on Thursday night.
A funny thing happened today. Apparently the staff at my school was planning a special lunch for me tomorrow on our half day since this is my last week. It was supposed to be a surprise, but I was inadvertantly included on the email distribution list, hence no more surprise. After getting a phone call from Meghan explaining how I was NOT supposed to have gotten that email, I ended up laughing hysterically while my kids sat waiting and wondering what could possibly be so funny. Of course, once I got off the phone, I had to explain to them what had happened. They all seemed to think it was pretty funny, too. One of my boys who believes himself to be in charge of the world saw Meghan in the hall a little bit later and was sure to "remind" her that she blew the surprise! Way to rub it in, kiddo. :)
As the week wears on, little surprises have shown up from my students. I received a couple of pairs of those fuzzy soft socks with the grippers on the bottom from one of my little girls. I told her that I have them with my things to take to the hospital, and I'd definitely have the warmest feet ever! Today one of my boys gave me some coffee, candy and the most heartwarming card from he and his mother. She's the kind of mom who every teacher wants who seems to give me that "lift" just when I need it.
I can tell that I am not the only one affected by my rapidly approaching last day. Every Monday we do a 5 minute free write before we start Writing Workshop. I set the timer and everyone (including me) writes in a spiral for the entire 5 minutes. The only rule is that you have to write the whole time, but kids can write about anything that is on their minds. I thought I was a basket head when I started getting all emotional about writing about friends of ours who stopped by on the weekend to bring big bags of gummy bears and gummy worms for Cayden and a bag of candy for me. Little did I know what was on the minds of a few of my students. I've included the journal entries of two that were read in front of the class (all grammar and spelling mistakes included).
"I am scard that Mrs. Luce will get hert when she will go to the hospetle to give her son a liver. but she spent a lot of time looking for the best techer. I am so so plesd that she is givin her son a liver and I am happy that she is doing this. She is so nice doing this. I am sad that she will be leaving on Friday. I hope it dos not come pretty soon." - Chenoa
"Mrs. Luce is my teacher at school. She is the bestest teacher I have ever meeted. She helps me in math, writing, and test. She is nice. She lets ever one talk when it is there trun. She makes sher that ever one lerns something in math. She helps kids in reading. Mrs. Luce is caring and loves to read. Mrs. luce likes all of her presents. She is the best." - Adrianna
And a couple of recent paragraphs from two of my boys . . .
"I have a couple of reasons why I like Mrs. Luce. First, Mrs. Luce is extremely smart. She is good in math. After that, she is very funny. She says she is fired. Finally, she is very brave. She is going to exchange her liver with Cayden. She is cool." -Seth
"Mrs. Luce is cool. First, Mrs. Luce teaches math. Our math is fractions and fractions are hard. Next, she also teaches reading. We used to read about space. Space was the most fun so far. After that, writing. Writing is pretty fun, but I am writing about Mrs. Luce. And I'm sure about Mrs. Luce. Mrs. Luce is crazytastic." - Dustin
Boy, who taught those kids how to write? ;) Truly, what you see above is what makes it all worthwhile. As a teacher, you are a hero to your kids. They think you're great at EVERYTHING. It cracks me up that they think I am so great at math. Frankly, I didn't really like math in school and am very critical of myself as a math teacher.
With three more days to go, I wonder if I'll need to break open another box of kleenex. I promised my kids that since I will be gone on May 15th, Friday we'll celebrate my birthday early so they can celebrate with me! I guess I'll be making cupcakes on Thursday night.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
There is no such thing as a coincidence...
How many times have you heard people refer to events in their lives as a "coincidence"? I can say with perfect honesty that in the last several years, I have come to understand that there is no such thing as coincidence. As a matter of fact, just as I was typing this...and this is no kidding...I had a deja vu feeling. It was so strong that I went back and reread my previous posts just now to be sure I hadn't already made that same statement above in one of my other posts. Weird!
It's probably happened to you. You and whoever are talking about someone else or maybe you've been thinking about a friend you haven't seen for awhile and you've been wondering what they've been up to lately. You're at (insert your favorite restaurant, store, movie, etc.) and you just so happen to run into them or the phone rings and they say, "Hey, I've been thinking about you lately!" Do you start singing the Twilight Zone theme song in your head...nee nee nee nee, nee nee nee nee?
Let me explain what I mean and how this has shown up in my life recently. I'm a planner...yes, a BIG time planner. I like to know far in advance what I am doing, vacations especially, and I want to make sure that I forget nothing. I am a self proclaimed "anal control freak". There, I said it, and Dan would agree with me. For a long time now, I have wanted to go to Italy. Like my whole life. My great grandmother was born in Northern Italy, and beside loving to eat, I have had a fascination with traveling and experiencing other cultures. Last year, even before the 2008-09 school year was out, I had a trip to Italy all planned out. And I mean ALL planned out. I had already contacted places to stay and each villa or bed and breakfast was holding a tentative reservation for us and we wouldn't have to deposit until January. Heck, I had even checked out Italian CD's and was learning to speak Italian. All that was left was to reserve a car and plane tickets. I was holding off because the airfare was still more than I wanted to pay. Enter the month of November and a funny feeling in my gut. Even though I REALLY wanted to go on this trip, I got the sense that we should postpone and wait to go to Italy a different summer. Hmmmmmm. Have you made the connection yet? Call it what you will, but I am certain this was no coincidence.
Now this is not to say that we didn't have plans for the summer. Actually, we did. We were supposed to go to Mexico for a few weeks...and were holding non-refundable plane tickets. God bless Alaska Airlines. One call to reservations and a supervisor named James. As I began explaining our situation, without even finishing my story, he quickly said "Would you prefer me to refund these on the same card you used to purchase them?" Talk about unexpected and utterly wonderful!
Another "non-coincidence" was experienced just today. Angie and I finally got our pajama shopping day at the mall, after having to postpone last weekend. Let's just say I am going to have the cutest PJ's in all of Stanford Hospital...thanks, Angie! :) We were having lunch at the Nordstrom Cafe and ended up running into one her former students from one of the local high schools. He happens to only work there 2 days a week. Interesting that we ended up there on one of those two days?? After sharing Cayden's situation, he mentioned that his ultimate goal is to become a pastor. He is at a crossroads in his own life and is searching for clarity. I have no doubt that this young man will make a fine church leader one day. I had never met him before today, but sometimes you just get a sense about someone. He told the two of us that he will be praying for Cayden and our families...and that's one more person in God's Army praying for us.
I think about the many "what ifs" that bring me to this day. What if I had finished my teaching degree right away instead of going into the travel industry? What if I had stayed working for Alaska Airlines instead of going back to get my teaching degree? What if my mom hadn't encouraged me to go back to get my BA in Education (I was afraid I was too old...hard to believe I thought age 26 was too old)? What if I had gotten a teaching job in Olympia or Lacey instead of Lakewood? What if I was able to have gotten pregnant in my former marriage? What if I hadn't been teaching in a school that had joint professional development with Dan's school?
All of the significant events in my life have led me to exactly where I am now. God's plan is perfect and everything is as it should be. I trust that. Now, that's not to say that we don't have choices along the way that help direct us on our life journey. Some people live their life with the "why me" attitude, as if they are a victim of circumstance and everything around them is happening "to" them. We ALWAYS have a choice. Don't misunderstand what I am saying here. We don't necessarily get to choose whether or not a particular event happens in our lives, BUT we CAN choose how we perceive the situation. If we trust that there is a reason for everything, that there is something to learn from every challenge in our lives, then we realize there are no coincidences.
It's probably happened to you. You and whoever are talking about someone else or maybe you've been thinking about a friend you haven't seen for awhile and you've been wondering what they've been up to lately. You're at (insert your favorite restaurant, store, movie, etc.) and you just so happen to run into them or the phone rings and they say, "Hey, I've been thinking about you lately!" Do you start singing the Twilight Zone theme song in your head...nee nee nee nee, nee nee nee nee?
Let me explain what I mean and how this has shown up in my life recently. I'm a planner...yes, a BIG time planner. I like to know far in advance what I am doing, vacations especially, and I want to make sure that I forget nothing. I am a self proclaimed "anal control freak". There, I said it, and Dan would agree with me. For a long time now, I have wanted to go to Italy. Like my whole life. My great grandmother was born in Northern Italy, and beside loving to eat, I have had a fascination with traveling and experiencing other cultures. Last year, even before the 2008-09 school year was out, I had a trip to Italy all planned out. And I mean ALL planned out. I had already contacted places to stay and each villa or bed and breakfast was holding a tentative reservation for us and we wouldn't have to deposit until January. Heck, I had even checked out Italian CD's and was learning to speak Italian. All that was left was to reserve a car and plane tickets. I was holding off because the airfare was still more than I wanted to pay. Enter the month of November and a funny feeling in my gut. Even though I REALLY wanted to go on this trip, I got the sense that we should postpone and wait to go to Italy a different summer. Hmmmmmm. Have you made the connection yet? Call it what you will, but I am certain this was no coincidence.
Now this is not to say that we didn't have plans for the summer. Actually, we did. We were supposed to go to Mexico for a few weeks...and were holding non-refundable plane tickets. God bless Alaska Airlines. One call to reservations and a supervisor named James. As I began explaining our situation, without even finishing my story, he quickly said "Would you prefer me to refund these on the same card you used to purchase them?" Talk about unexpected and utterly wonderful!
Another "non-coincidence" was experienced just today. Angie and I finally got our pajama shopping day at the mall, after having to postpone last weekend. Let's just say I am going to have the cutest PJ's in all of Stanford Hospital...thanks, Angie! :) We were having lunch at the Nordstrom Cafe and ended up running into one her former students from one of the local high schools. He happens to only work there 2 days a week. Interesting that we ended up there on one of those two days?? After sharing Cayden's situation, he mentioned that his ultimate goal is to become a pastor. He is at a crossroads in his own life and is searching for clarity. I have no doubt that this young man will make a fine church leader one day. I had never met him before today, but sometimes you just get a sense about someone. He told the two of us that he will be praying for Cayden and our families...and that's one more person in God's Army praying for us.
I think about the many "what ifs" that bring me to this day. What if I had finished my teaching degree right away instead of going into the travel industry? What if I had stayed working for Alaska Airlines instead of going back to get my teaching degree? What if my mom hadn't encouraged me to go back to get my BA in Education (I was afraid I was too old...hard to believe I thought age 26 was too old)? What if I had gotten a teaching job in Olympia or Lacey instead of Lakewood? What if I was able to have gotten pregnant in my former marriage? What if I hadn't been teaching in a school that had joint professional development with Dan's school?
All of the significant events in my life have led me to exactly where I am now. God's plan is perfect and everything is as it should be. I trust that. Now, that's not to say that we don't have choices along the way that help direct us on our life journey. Some people live their life with the "why me" attitude, as if they are a victim of circumstance and everything around them is happening "to" them. We ALWAYS have a choice. Don't misunderstand what I am saying here. We don't necessarily get to choose whether or not a particular event happens in our lives, BUT we CAN choose how we perceive the situation. If we trust that there is a reason for everything, that there is something to learn from every challenge in our lives, then we realize there are no coincidences.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Fear, Anxiety and Stress Rear Their Ugly Heads
I wish I were a better "observer" of myself and others. As I've plugged along this last week finishing report cards, cleaning and organizing my classroom, making mental lists, buying last minute items needed for our trip, I have only been slightly aware of the brewing emotional unrest around me. I'm the kind of person who although social, tends to live in my own little world. When things happen at work, I am often the last to know. I'm so wrapped up in what I am doing and thinking, that I often fail to recognize the subtleties of what's happening around me.
I'd like to think that I've done a pretty good job of holding it together myself, knowing that in just 11 short days, we fly out to California and that yesterday was the three week mark before surgery. I am getting the sense, however, that the closer we get, the more "foggy" I seem to be getting in my brainola.
The end of Spring Break has brought a sort of smack back into reality for everyone in the family. My heart aches for Cayden right now. He's having such a hard time. If I could take his place, I would, but in thinking about it, I am doing the next closest thing to taking his place as one could probably get. While I won't be going through quite the same extent of surgery that he will, but the risks are nearly the same. I suspect he is beginning to feel a similar fear that probably most every child in his place experiences but doesn't want to say out loud. I've thought about it, too, and I imagine, if I didn't or he didn't feel afraid, we wouldn't be normal human beings, would we? I am talking about...the "d" word, and yes, I don't want to say it either. I know it's ok to admit that I am scared, but I also know that there are SO many people out there praying for the both of us. Our God is a God of healing and protection, and I intend to take that comfort with me going into the 26th.
Dan has been so supportive and strong through all of this so far. I have no idea how he is able to be such a rock in our lives especially when the two people he loves so much are preparing for such a stressful life event. Anyone reading this who knows Dan at all, understands that he has an amazing effect on people. His gentle and calm nature have changed the outcome of many "prickly" and highly volatile meetings in his line of work. I can't even count how many times he's gotten me "unwound" when I've gotten myself so far out of whack. Dan loves others with his whole heart. I've never known him to put himself first in his relationship with me or with the boys. He wears his heart on his sleeve. I love this about him, but it sometimes leaves him open to hurt and disappointment (and I am sometimes guilty of being the cause). He is compassionate, kind, and loving, and he married ME. How could a girl possibly be so lucky?
And so it is that the three of us move toward "T-day", each having our own unique emotional experience. Tears, anger, disappointment, frustration, fear, anxiousness, annoyance, and feelings of helplessness have all shown up in the past few days. I think a lot about what I learned in my Wings training a few years ago and about how human belief affects people's lives. Two things stick with me at this moment: "This too shall pass" (referring to the yuck feelings and reactions) and "Our thoughts create our reality". So I'll end this post tonight with this thought, which I intend to make my reality..."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
-Amanda
I'd like to think that I've done a pretty good job of holding it together myself, knowing that in just 11 short days, we fly out to California and that yesterday was the three week mark before surgery. I am getting the sense, however, that the closer we get, the more "foggy" I seem to be getting in my brainola.
The end of Spring Break has brought a sort of smack back into reality for everyone in the family. My heart aches for Cayden right now. He's having such a hard time. If I could take his place, I would, but in thinking about it, I am doing the next closest thing to taking his place as one could probably get. While I won't be going through quite the same extent of surgery that he will, but the risks are nearly the same. I suspect he is beginning to feel a similar fear that probably most every child in his place experiences but doesn't want to say out loud. I've thought about it, too, and I imagine, if I didn't or he didn't feel afraid, we wouldn't be normal human beings, would we? I am talking about...the "d" word, and yes, I don't want to say it either. I know it's ok to admit that I am scared, but I also know that there are SO many people out there praying for the both of us. Our God is a God of healing and protection, and I intend to take that comfort with me going into the 26th.
Dan has been so supportive and strong through all of this so far. I have no idea how he is able to be such a rock in our lives especially when the two people he loves so much are preparing for such a stressful life event. Anyone reading this who knows Dan at all, understands that he has an amazing effect on people. His gentle and calm nature have changed the outcome of many "prickly" and highly volatile meetings in his line of work. I can't even count how many times he's gotten me "unwound" when I've gotten myself so far out of whack. Dan loves others with his whole heart. I've never known him to put himself first in his relationship with me or with the boys. He wears his heart on his sleeve. I love this about him, but it sometimes leaves him open to hurt and disappointment (and I am sometimes guilty of being the cause). He is compassionate, kind, and loving, and he married ME. How could a girl possibly be so lucky?
And so it is that the three of us move toward "T-day", each having our own unique emotional experience. Tears, anger, disappointment, frustration, fear, anxiousness, annoyance, and feelings of helplessness have all shown up in the past few days. I think a lot about what I learned in my Wings training a few years ago and about how human belief affects people's lives. Two things stick with me at this moment: "This too shall pass" (referring to the yuck feelings and reactions) and "Our thoughts create our reality". So I'll end this post tonight with this thought, which I intend to make my reality..."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
-Amanda
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